Spanish-spoken love stories and the challenge of a growing self.

Actually today now. Let’s see. My first thing was just meeting Edgar here at noon to go back to Barrio with him to what I thought was a meeting about planning this big event they’re having on Saturday. What really happened was that he and Hayley and Nico and I met and hung out for a while, placticando de mi horario allí con ellos, and then I went with Edgar to a meeting at the police station. Sounds scary, but really Barrio is working with the policia to do events that get them into contact with the comunidad. It’s really incredible how many angles Barrio attacks social problems from. And they’re getting bigger all the time, which is really good, but they are super intentional about not letting stuff like having to meet with important people take away from the time they actually spend working with the población. They coordinate everything, and DEFINITELY lead actividades también. Edgar leads basketball every Wednesday and Erick does capoera (spelling) twice a week. AND they meet with the mayor of Mexico City. And teach values and nonviolence and responsibilidad. Jesus. Anyway, the policia are donating some stuff to the event on Saturday, so we were picking it up. They seem to kind of often fall through on what they promise, so from what I gathered Edgar is pretty good and trying to keep the pressure on in like a super friendly way. He’s really good at explaining context to me after we talk to somebody. Even though I was super out of it today and really unable to talk, I mean it obviously was really cool going places with him like an assistant (who couldn’t understand most of the meeting) or something.

Later we finally made our way to Barrio, again way before the actividad that I was allegedly there for was supposed to start. Here’s the thing – it’s great, it really is. I’m so grateful for this experience and these connections and the fact that I recognize the gas station I’m supposed to turn at to get to my bus stop from Barrio Activo. It’s just that the whole thing leaves me so profoundly exhausted. And I LOVE it, I do. Pati is officially like my mamá Mexicana, we talked for like an hour today and she is absolutely the sweetest, most caring person. She likes me to call when I get home to the Casa safe. All of them are so concerned for my safety. I don’t find it smothering at all. Erick asked me when he was walking me back to the bus stop at the end of the day, if I felt a lot of pressure from everyone making sure I was safe all the time. I told him it makes me feel loved, like I have these two Mexican dads and a Mexican mom, and a family and a community. I am really so grateful. It’s just that there is also an undeniable element of it being really hard – to understand, to speak, to be on and alert for hours on end without really knowing what’s going on. Yeah, it’s just trying really really hard to be present for six hours straight. When the plan was for me to be there for an hour, I thought. So I love it. I’m so happy I’m there. It was just a little tough for parts of today. I started out tired, and then realized that the class that I was there to see a) was not actually a class, but just a time when kids could come over to watch a movie, and b) started not at 3:30 but at 5. So okay. Super long. But I mean I am so glad I got to talk to Pati and play with their little almost-two-year-old son. I understood so much more of what she said, and I was able to tell her really a lot in Spanish without thinking about it that much. That was really awesome in and of itself, in addition to connecting with her. So yeah. That was important.

Got home though just so so wiped. Erick and Edgar walked me to the stop (well, Edgar most of the way), and I really feel so warm and fuzzy about the immediacy of their care and concern for me. Touched, that’s what I am. Moved, even. Because I didn’t do anything to earn or deserve it. But, ugh, just I misunderstood the question Erick asked me, and I started talking about this whole other thing which is sort of a charged topic. Which I’m fine with that – had that been what he was actually asking about, I feel totally comfortable being honest about the fact that I feel different here. I just thought he was asking if I felt strange here, “Te sientas extraña?” I finally figured out that he was asking if I felt weird, or strange, about how concerned he and Edgar and Pati are about my safety, asking me to call, and sort of physically guiding me through the street, pulling my arm and stuff. Once I understood him I explained that I actually love all of that, that it makes me feel so good and safe and cared for. But I couldn’t figure out fast enough how to say that I hadn’t understood his question before, so I just really hope that he doesn’t think I meant any of that about my experience with Barrio Activo. I’m sure it’s fine, it’s just the kind of thing you can mull over a lot on an hour-long busride home. The stress and the exhaustion and the embarrassment I was feeling made me pretty touchy when I was starting to make dinner and tell Linet and Molly how my day went. At a certain point I just lost it, said, “Fuck it, you guys, fuck it. I can’t fucking do this,” and honestly pretty much stormed out of the kitchen and out of the Casa, and just turned around and said, “No” when Linet came after me. I just needed to walk, so I did. I walked and walked to this nearby park. And then just sat there for a while. I realized it was the first time I’d just had time and space really and truly to myself, and how hard this whole thing has been, in spite of it’s simultaneous really incredible-ness.

I told someone yesterday that I’m really not doing service work here. Honestly, the person who’s going to benefit the most from my time here is me. I felt weird about that when I first realized it writing the application (isn’t that selfish or something?). But I realized today that just because I’m not actually saving the world by being here doesn’t mean there’s anything easy about it. Just because I’m the only one benefitting doesn’t mean that it’s all fun and games. It’s amazing, yes, but a fucking legitimate challenge, too. So if you’re going to be impressed by me and the “work” I’m doing here, be impressed by that. I’m not saving anybody. I’m just putting myself through the wringer, and managing a genuine smile la mayoridad of the time.

Catch-up, un columbiano, and my new friends Edgar and Erick.

Hey errybody.

So it's already been a couple of days since I wrote WHOOPS. I'm gonna have a go at summarizing last week actually briefly, then fill you all in on the last couple of days which have been super full. Okay, I left you all at last Wednesday night. Thursday morning Patricia and Sandra, two women from Barrio Activo (Patricia is Edgar's wife) picked me up to take me to a workshop on confronting violence. Sounds cool, was honestly really boring and in a hot room and I got home five hours later overwhelmed and exhausted and bah. I was disappointed because I had been so excited about Barrio the day before. But what can you do. That evening there was a presentation at the Casa about the Red Tlaloc, which was crazy boring and I continued to be overwhelmed by Spanish and the heat. I'm pretty sure something happened that night to make me feel better, but I just asked Linet and we can't remember. I think I took a shower and hung out with her and that made things fun again.

Friday I was super looking forward to sleeping in, and I did, and it was glorious.We at a meeting at noon to go over reception stuff, then the three of us went out to a café for lunch and delicious sugary coffee drinks with Hayley. We talked for like an hour and a half while the Casa was being fumigated (bedbugs). Got back and I worked the third shift with Allison, which was cool except she kept trying to do everything for me and I kept having to say, "Let me do that. I have to learn!" Ugh. BUT a bunch of us went out Friday night and that was super fun so. Hurray. Saturday and Sunday I totally lumped around and recuperated from not sleeping all week, but also was sick again so boo. But whatever.

MONDAY. Was awesome!! You all saw that I was not feeling so great at the beginning. I had been pretty antisocial and homesick-ish (sick of being out of my comfort zone, really), and was ambivalent about having to re-engage. I worked the second turn and it was pretty great. Hectic, and a little nerve-wracking at times, but Hayley was there for backup and it was great to actually be doing things and learning stuff. We had our weekly meeting at 6, which was super boring but it's chill, and I actually contributed in Spanish and it was cool to feel all brave and more comoda at the table. An excerpt from an e-mail to my mom will do a better job of talking about that day than I can right now: 

"Um yeah. Today: shift was crazy but good. I thought I was going to have to work it alone, but Hayley was there for support. Then weekly meeting (boring), then clarifying with Nico my Barrio Activo schedule for the rest of the week (busy), then cooking dinner with Linet (hilarious), then sharing dinner with a bunch of guests (awesome - our friend from Pakistan made the most most delicious comida), then hanging clean clothes (YAY) out to dry on the clotheslines on the roof with Linet and Hayley (great great bonding girl time). Back here to brush my teeth with Linet and a cool guest (honestly I'm excited because there's a bunch of Americans here for the week. At least I know how to deal with American weirdness), and then have a great conversation with Linet. I read her a few lines from your e-mail (about poetry), and she said, "I think she's right. You really sell yourself short and you shouldn't." She means about playing the guitar and about my Spanish. She thinks it's good. I talked to her mom and stepdad on skype today, and Linet keeps saying how her mom can't believe how good my Spanish is and that I just learned it in school. She also said that she thinks I'm Hayley's favorite, which I totally do not think is true (I think Linet and I are tied), but it made me feel good all the same, because I sometimes feel a little silly around her (only because she's so cool). Anyway, so going to bed full and tired and productive and content... Today ended up being more packed than I thought it'd be. Hurray :)" It was great to spend some more time in the guest lounge and talking to people besides my wifey (don't worry, I love her, but it's always good to have variety).

TUESDAY. Yesterday. Ay, it hurt to get up so early to work the first shift, but then it was kind of cool. I made a new Columbian friend, who I think is a migrant because when he first left the Casa he explained where he was going and asked if that was okay. That happens sometimes, because people have been held in this migration centers - i.e. prisons - and it takes a little while to sink in that they can treat the Casa like a home. Hmm... Anyway, when he came back a little while later he came over and just started talking to me, which was awesome. Just asking me about myself in a non-creepy way, and I asked about him, and it was all in Spanish which was less stressful than I thought it what be. He's 23, he's super cute, I mean whatever. It was cool. It's weird, yesterday feels like a really long time ago. Maybe it's because I was just trying to remember stuff that happened like a week ago, and now the days are all blurry, but stuff that was so vibrant just 24 hours ago feels fuzzy now, and all that feels really present is today. The point is, I really do prefer writing every night, just so I can even remember what happened. Because I feel like I'm forgetting all the fun details that make a day an experience. Anyway. 

After my shift (during which I'm sure more cool stuff happened, I just can't remember... oh yeah! Hayley made me a poached egg which I was scared of but turned out to be delicious, I gave two tours, and a really cool girl came who's going to be a long-term guest. Excited to get to know her) I thought I had a couple of hours to shower and maybe nap and things, but as it turned out there had been a miscommunication, and Edgar arrived to pick me up just moments after I grabbed my clothes of line. Aaaahhh!!! Ran to grab my things and put on real shoes, then walked out into the world with one of the nicest people ever. I was really nervous before we went because I had such trouble understanding him before, but he was soooo sweet. It took us absolutely forever to get to Barrio, because we walked to this far bus stop, then there was crazy traffic because of protests, and then we had to change buses because we were trying to meet up with Erick who was in a meeting with some people to get a grant.

Anyway, Edgar was/is soooooo nice. He asked me all about myself, and told me a ton about Barrio’s history and about things we saw around the city, and I really felt like he got to know me in important ways. Just like the kind of person that I am. Which doesn’t even matter really because he’s so busy with things that are so much more important than silly little me. I honestly just feel lucky that I had the chance to talk with him. So it was great to spend like a couple of hours with him. I really stumbled with my Spanish at first, but I really could understand most of what he said, and I said some things too, so cool. I got all nervous again when we finally met up with Erick, but he also happens to be tied with Edgar for nicest person in the world, so after a few minutes of sitting next to him on the bus he had me trying to explain Quakerism in Spanish. Again, I just felt really flattered that he was even interested in hearing what I had to say, because he’s such an incredible person doing such great things in the world. I was stumbling over my Spanish, and trying to explain about this tiny religious community of Friends, which sure is important to me but in the context of Mexico City poverty and violence, who really cares – and I was just so struck that he was interested in what I was trying to say. He thinks about a million details a day, but there he was asking me about myself. Anyway. Crazy. I guess it makes sense, now that I write it out – Quaker values, the kind of work they’re doing… it’s totally kindred business. But still.

So we got to Barrio way early for the taller de guitarra that I was there to see, but I just chilled out and helped Pati make some signs to decorate the Barrio’s space. AMISTAD. AMOR. ARMONIA. COMUNICACIÓN. COMUNIDAD. LIDERAZGO. My friend Leslie (finally learned/remembered her name!) teaches the guitar classes, and she is only FIFTEEN but way more mature than me. Or at least calmer or something. Anyway, it was awesome. She seems classically trained or something, and was teaching all this theory and technique that I obviously don’t know, so I was obviously super impressed. It was fun understanding all the English words for things too. I was like HA I understand what you just because you’re teaching them how do a slide. Score. Anyway, as the lesson wound down she asked the kids to play what they’d been practicing, and I wasn’t surprised when she asked me to play something. I busted out my Tallest Man on Earth, and the kids were really sweet, shushing each other while I was playing and cheering when I was finished. Oh geeze. But Nico tells me I have a lot to live up to – apparently Liv could be on TV. Linet tried to come to my defense and dinner, saying that I’m pretty good too, and Nico was just like NO. Not like Liv. So we’ll see. He’s so supportive.

ANYWAY, so it was exhausting but great to be at Barrio, and Leslie and her novio walked me to the bus stop afterwards. I was really glad to just sit down and zone out on the way home, and I knew immediately when I got off at my stop that it was ice cream time. Honestly, Edgar getting here early and running out of the house and not having been able to shower and then just heat and Spanish had all been thoroughly tiring and a little stressful, but I was definitely definitely super contenta when I got home. Contenta with my connections with people and my communication. And with my ice cream. Got home in time for community dinner that I forgot was happening, had a really cool conversation with Jill who I haven’t gotten to talk to that much, tried not to take Nico too seriously as he insisted that I would fail to live up to the legacy of Liv and Joey at Barrio Activo, and ate deliciously tasty something that Greta made. We had Seguridad y Emergencias orientation after dinner, then went out with Hayley and Lydia for (yes, my second) ice cream. I wasn’t going to get anything obviously, but the chocolate was calling so whatever. It was super fun hanging out with them. I am huge fans of theirs. Got back super worn out, starting watching Hercules with Linet (we finally actually snuggled in her bed, after all this time of making jokes), and ended the whole long incredible day with a really delicious Skype date with my favorite Oregon-type man. Seriously, seriously good day.

Nostalgia, capo needs, and Barrio "The Shit" Activo.

Hello friends, near and far. Near as the bed about a foot away from me (hello, roomie), and far as, well, far-flung parts of the U.S. and potentially Europe. Hi.

Oh dear goodness gracious but it has accidentally been nearly a solid week since I last wrote. That is due to a fatal combination of super busy-ness and then chronic laziness in the process of recovering from the super-busy-ness. Disculpame. So okay, so I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I had a pretty great week last week. The bad news is that I crashed pretty hard this weekend and have yet to fully pull myself out of a weird headspace. It's not quite homesickness, but I think it's the closest I've ever gotten, except for probably when I was at Westtown. It's really surprising, and confusing, because I thought I liked being in the world. But for the last 24 hours or so I just have been... I don't know. Okay, but I'll back up and go over the good stuff first maybe, to give a more balanced perspective.

So last Wednesday was my first day for a lot of things. I woke up super early to help with breakfast, which actually turned out to be great. Lydia showed me ho to do everything, and I mostly helped cut up fruit and bread while we hung out. I didn't think I was ready to handle to whole egg-making job. Because, right, I can cook eggs for myself, but with the added pressure of them being for someone else I would totally mess them up? Probably. Like, pretty likely. Either way, I was intimidated, and Lydia was super reassuring and great but also handled all the egg-making. Basically, she is super cool. I felt like there was a good balance of each person asking about the other, which is sometimes falta-ing in a conversation. For example, I appreciate the chance to process things with my friends, but once I realize I've been talking more than they have I really feel bad about that and want to know how they are, too. Also, I love hearing people's stories, but if they go the entire conversation without asking anything about you, especially at the beginning of a friendship, it's like, oh, okay, this is super one-sided. So I like balance, and I like Lydia.That was great.

In the break I had between breakfast and going to my first day at Barrio Activo, Linet and I went exploring. Mission: find and buy a capo. Map: looked at one in the Casa, but obviously didn't bring one. Mexico City: big. But obviously everything went pretty much fine. It was cool because we basically had to go back exactly through nearby streets that we'd been to with Jim, so I got my bearings (barings? no. bearings) pretty quickly, although Linet said she basically didn't know where we were. I'll make her lead next time. It's the only way she'll learn. Slash it's the only way I learn, so no big deal. Anyway, Sasha told us that things were organized kind of by subject: there's the blocks with stores that sell art supplies, then clothes, then music stuff, then whatever. Tonnnns of things. Of course we took a wrong turn right at the beginning of this section of streets, so we wandered through every single type of thing you could want to buy (vacuum cleaner repairs, anyone?) until we finally found music stores. I had pretty much given up, but Linet was determined. So we ran into the first one we saw and I bought an 11 dollar (well, 110 peso) capo from a cool-looking guy. We then realized over the next several minutes that there were tonnnnnns more to choose from, and I probably could have found a cheaper one. But whatever, I am totally fine with it.

We got back tired and hot but with ice cream, and I had just enough time to grab a quick shower before meeting up with Nico, who was going to come with me to Barrio Activo.So yay. It was pretty simple, we got on a bus for about 45 minutes, and it was cool to hang out with him some slash watch the city go buy. I got really excited when I realized that Barrio Activo is in one of the essentially mountain-top neighborhoods that we drove by on the way to the pyramids - now I get to learn who lives there and why and what the deal is. So okay, we got off the bus and the foot of this essentially vertical neighborhood, and Nico sat me down on a curb to show me on a map where we had gone on the bus. He is way too cool. He's potentially the busiest person I know (and I go to Haverford), but he still takes the time to do things like teach us how the Reservation book is organized and show me where we are on a map. Yay. So Edgar and Eric are the people who founded and are mas o menos in charge of Barrio Activo. Nico told me that they used to work for a different nonprofit that worked with kids, and they were good enough at what they did that they could have gotten jobs with the government (that runs essentially summer schools that most Mexicans send their kids to), but their dream was to start their own organization. So they did, and Barrio does a ton of things. They have lots of actividades or clases, ranging from basketball to dancing to guitar and martial arts. They have caravanas which I don't totally understand yet, but I think are like big outdoor events where you share music and stuff, and they run a big summer-camp-type thing in the summer.

We went to meet Edgar at the basketball court - which is under and overpass on a median between two pretty-to-very busy streets. I can already see myself spending the summer freaking out every time a ten-to-twelve year old boy runs out into the street after a runaway basketball. Ay. But it's okay. We met Edgar and another volunteer, introducing ourselves to the kids, and essentially watching them play basketball for a while. I obviously felt relatively awkward at first, but after a while I settled in. It's cool - kids seem to the the same in any language. I felt like I recognized them. Even though I mostly couldn't understand what they were saying, the tones and everything felt familiar. The one thing really different from my memories of State College Friends School, though, was that there was never any trace of conflict for the entire hour or so. That was sort of crazy. Even though they were competitive and shouting a lot and everything, they were grinning the whole time.

So okay, I have a lot of ground to cover, so I need to get to the point. We all walked back to Barrio's centro and sat down to talk. I realized a few minutes in that there appeared to be a big sign on the wall with my name on it. Then I realized there were streamers. Then Edgar gathered everyone together and welcomed us to what appeared to be something a fiesta for the nueva voluntaria - me. Whatttt??? Um yes. Apparently they knew I was coming for the day, and this was like a celebratory get-to-know you type-deal. I could not have been more flattered and slightly intimidated about my Spanish. But mostly flattered and happy and wow. So but it was great!! Edgar asked them if they had any questions for me, and I got everything ranging from, "Que edad tienes?" to "Que comen en los EE. UU.?" to "Tocas un instrumento?" Though I stumbled at first and sometimes had to look to Nico for help understanding a question (oh yeah - people talk super fast and with some sort of accident that places me solidly on the struggle autobus), I actually did pretty well. I started to feel comfortable pretty quickly, and succeeded in making the group laugh a couple of times (on purpose, not like they were laughing at me for being silly). So it was GREAT. After things kind of broke up, I went to mix it up and talk to people on the other side of the room. I ended up connecting with a super cool girl, whose name I of course cannot remember, but we talked for a while. I could understand her more easily than others, and yeah. It was great. I talked to some parents, too, and after a while went to the room where all the kids had disappeared. We read a book out loud about a fat princess (?), then they proceeded in asking me tons more questions all at once. I sat down on the floor (in the way that Americans do, apparently. or at least Americans who went to Friends schools), and tried to respond to everybody. It was great. I was like oh yeah, I forgot I'm kind of good with kids, apparently. And these kids were really easy to be good with - super talkative and curious and great. They gave me a regalo before I left (a mug of candy and a statue of some sort of fairy or something), and we exchanged besos and Edgar and Nico and I set off for the bus stop.

Edgar is super sweet, and clearly an awesome person, but I have to say that I can't understand a damn thing he says. I really felt pretty bad about it - he would talk directly to me, looking me in the eye and everything, and all I could really do was say, "Si" and smile, or sometimes be more honest and just shake my head and apologize that I couldn't understand him. It really was frustrating, because I felt almost elitist or something. Nico had said the Spanish would be rough or something in the barrio, but it's so clearly my fault that I can't understand, I just hated indicating that it was somehow something wrong with the way he was talking. Anyway, Nico said that Liv and Joey had troubles understanding him last summer, and their Spanish is way better than mine, so I'm trying to be okay with it. It does make me nervous though. I was so spoiled in Granada with my host fam speaking more slowly for me and stuff. I don't know how to ask for that from this group of people, and I'm nervous about not being able to communicate.

I was thinking about that on the ride home, but I was also just thinking about how incredible the past few hours had been. I spoke more Spanish that I ever had in Mexico, and communicated and connected with tons of awesome folks in a place super different than the one I come from. That's why I'm here. That's what this is all about, and that's why I love being in the world. So that was pretty flipping cool.

Got home that night exhausted but also elated, maybe, or exuberant? Something positive and energetic and starting with an "e." Sat down at started telling Sasha at reception all all all about my day, and I was just so comfortable it felt like talking to Kelsey or my mom or something. I let myself wander a little bit, and when I realized it and apologized and tried to explain why I was rambling, she just smiled and was so nice and said she wanted to hear about everything. So that was so so cool. Hayley and Linet and Molly soon got back from buying groceries for breakfast the next morning, and they set me up with some kickass lentil soup Hayley had made. We all went out a little while later for a mezcal and a beer and some interesting conversation, then got home an absolutely crashed. It was a pretty epic day, my friends.


And now I have taken so long recounting last Wednesday that it is time for me to go and get ready for second turn. More later today though, I promise.

Lots of love,
me

Quaker history and counting pesos.

So today was pretty cool. Like so many days here, most of it was great, there were some bumps along the way, but enough nice things happened close enough to bedtime that I end the day feeling pretty content. After breakfast the three of us headed out with Nico to a nearby park, and he talked to us for about an hour and a half about lots of things: how our internship came to be, a lot about Quakerism and its history, and how he sees Quakerism manifesting at the Casa. I really loved hearing him talk about it - I got those happy butterflies again at the sense of pride and connection, safety and home, and it made me think of all the people I already know and haven't met yet who are connected to me through these values and this work. In particular, a certain friend of mine from Portland kept coming to mind, just because I know how much he would have loved hearing Nico talk, and that he would ask such good questions. Anyway, it was just such a pleasant morning, sunny but cool in the shade, in a pretty park next to a fountain, watching homeless people get up from their benches as wealthier people came to sit (that part was less pleasant, more awkward and concerning).

But yeah, Nico asked me to chime in whenever I had something to add. I seem to be calling myself Quaker here. Every time I do I'm reminded of those first days in Granada, when we were all learning each others' majors, and how I responded when folks asked the inevitable question after my self-identification as a Religious Studies major - "Oh, are you religious?" "Well, I'm more Quaker than anything else. Still on the journey, you know?" I realized that I quite clearly have made progress on my journey. As the months have passed since the end of YALD, Quakerism has become less of a new thing, and more of a safe thing to return to with a sense of familiarity, understanding, and belonging. The excitement and wonderfulness hasn't worn off since the summer, and I do feel like I'm discovering it anew every time I settle into silence - but it is different than it was a year ago. So many things are. Anyway, here I've been identified as Quaker - understandably, given all my talk in my application about my involvement in Quaker communities. But still, whenever anybody asks, I say "Cuaquera, más o menos." Definitely an answer/label I'm more comfortable with - I still want room to grow and explore and ask questions and change my mind, and somehow giving such a simple answer as "Soy cuaquera" doesn't allow for that in my heart, so. There ya go.

I was really excited to learn that Linet and Molly were interested in what Nico was saying, too. Because I mean history isn't for everyone, and especially the history of something you may or may not care about, but it turns out they were into it. Plus, by the end of the story, space was created for us to talk a little bit about our own spiritualities, which was really cool. Nico asked me to talk some about Pendle Hill and YALD, which was great (I will always love talking about YALD), and we both encouraged Molly and Linet to share a little bit about where they were coming from. The three of us had talked some, so some of what they said was familiar to me, but I really loved the feeling of sharing that with Nico. I'm very aware of how many people want his time, so I am not harboring any expectations about the possibility of him as a source of spiritual nurture, but I feel like if he has any time at all for it, he would be good at it. So it was great to have a little time with him today to talk about that. It was interesting though, because I think Linet and Molly were a little... not shaken up, but, you know, this is big stuff to talk about, especially if you haven't had the time or space to do so before. So we kept talking about it when we got back to the room. I wonder if this summer will be tough in a different way for them, because these important and wonderful questions are coming up... and the Casa is really supportive in a lot of ways, but it simply isn't the same setup as YALD. The focus is not on our spirituality, but rather spiritual growth may come as a result of our main work. So it's not as insulated, safe, and held as it would be at Pendle Hill. At the risk of sounding condescending, and in the hopes of offering genuine care and concern, I hope I can somehow be a support to them. At the very least, I can hold them in this space. I just feel lucky at the progression my personal journey has taken - but then, it needs to happen differently for everyone.

So hey. Great talk with Nico. Then we had our first real training in recepción with Hayley, which was fun but pretty intense. Tonnnnnns of new information and processes and systems to learn, but I feel like we'll get it down soon enough, and I'm really looking forward to being a more stable, grounded, contributing member of the team. So it was great to learn stuff and hang out more with Nico and Hayley. Plus Linet and I got lunch at el Tigre, and they love us there, so yay. After recepción, we had a little break before the screening of a documentary about migration, which I couldn't understand most of but got that it was super depression, so blar. I'm really bad at using my breaks during the day - I keep staying up too late, so whenever we have down time I'm just exhausted. So for those of you who have written to me, I'm sorry and I really will try to get it together to write you back tomorrow! That's my goal. Anyway, so I was feeling sort of bummed and icky after the film. It was really upsetting in and of itself (the parts that I could understand), and my mind decided to wander to really upsetting personal matters during the long stretches when I couldn't understand the Spanish and zoned out. P.S., universe, I am so so ready for my mind to stop wandering to those particular things. So, if you please, just leave me alone. I'm so bored of being sad about that relationship, and I'm really surprised that it followed be all the way here. So I'm really hoping that some sort of thing will happen so that the relapses cease and desist. Ahem. ANYWAY okay that was maybe a little too personal for a blog that's still public, but whatever. Everyone knows anyway. Ha.

So right, so I was feeling sort of icky, but then all the sudden just little gems of niceness started to happen, and all the sudden everything was better. The beauty and the danger of being an extrovert - I do seem to be rather dependent on interacting with other people to pull me out of bad places, but it really doesn't take much on other people's part to do the pulling. I was supposed to meet Lydia to get fruit with her for tomorrow's breakfast, but couldn't find her downstairs so asked Alejandro if he knew where she was. He's a volunteer who I've felt really intimidated by for lots of reasons, including the fact that he's a native Spanish speaker who I have some trouble understanding and whom I don't want to butcher the language in front of in my feeble attempts to speak it. But anyway, I just asked him how he was, and he did do. "Y tú, cómo estás? Estás comoda?" "Are you comfortable?" I think the sentido was maybe just, "Everything good?" but I took it literally because it made me feel good that he apparently cares whether I'm comfortable or not. So I said, well, yeah, for the most part I feel comfortable in the Casa, but I'm feeling really nervous about speaking Spanish. And whatever, he was just really sweet about it, saying that I've only been here a week and it will start improving really quickly. It's just, I totally thought he'd been judging me at failing to speak it, and it turns out that he's actually nice, he just isn't super into trying to be friends with us right off the bat. Whatever, so that made me feel really optimistic about being able to really feel comfortable with everyone here quite soon.

I finally met up with Lydia, and she showed me all the getting ready for breakfast stuff, which was cool. At first I was bummed about having to get up so early, but now I think it'll be great, once the struggle of actually getting out of bed is overcome. I'm excited to spend some time with her, and to do kitchen-y things and eat yummy breakfast food. On the way back upstairs, I ran into Hayley, who invited me to go out with a group of them for a beer. Basically, she is the coolest, and I'm totally happy that she thinks we're cool enough to want to be actual friends with us. If she heard me say that, she would think I was being ridiculous, and that of course we are super cool, but still. She's just great, sort of big sister-y in my head but in a way that I think will turn into feeling like same-age-y eventually. Whatever, so that made me feel good, and I just thanked her for being awesome and doing reception stuff today. I really love articulating my affirmations of people. People aren't really used to it, and it feels good to let people know how fond I am of them. I like to think it brightens their day as much as it does mine.

So now I'm blogging it up, as you can tell, and thinking about all the great people I know. Grateful for each and every one of them. Looking forward to doing breakfast tomorrow, and my first day at Barrio Activo! Que bien! I've been SUPER nervous about it in general, but Nico is going with me, and I actually had some good interactions in Spanish today, AND everyone thinks I'm going to love it, so. I do expect the Spanish to be really hard to understand, but we'll just go with it and see what happens. Hold me in the light! If you do that sort of thing. I'll be leaving la Casa around 3 our time.

Besos a todos, please write and let me know how your summers are going :)

Love,
Annie

OH YEAH and P.S. I had so much fun posting and tagging all the millions of pics I still had from our last night in Granada. Big love to the whole IES fam, I really hope you guys are doing well. Special besitos to vosotros.

Flare up like flame.

What a day, friends. A little rough, but is ending with Granada memories and reconnecting with friends, so I feel hopeful about tomorrow. Today I realized just how hard it has been to feel like my Spanish is so inadequate. I really can't understand folks most of the time, which I was not expecting, so that's been upsetting. I've felt so welcomed and cared for by a lot of the Casa, but there are just still a few house members who I am feeling really shut out by, and awkward around, and it's making it even harder for me to try and speak Spanish in front of them. I realized today that it's really only male volunteers that seem to be relating to me in this way, and I don't know what that means. How much responsibility do they have to try and connect with us as new team members? How much is on me, as an extrovert, to do the reaching out? I came so close to saying something at the meeting today, about how nervous we all are about our Spanish, and how we ask for patience and kindness as we figure everything out, but I couldn't quite get there - even though I tried to write out the Spanish I would have had to deliver these feelings in a few times, trying to get the grammar right.

I still don't feel settled about all of this, but I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Sometimes you just wake up and you're in a different mood, so I'm shooting for that. Although I had some pretty upsetting dreams last night, so I'm hoping that won't be a recurring thing.

A good friend just shared a poem with me that I think it's important I end the day on. I don't usually feel very comfortable with the term God in my personal spirituality, and I don't usually read poems about God, but this one feels good and I want to make a place for it:

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
 then walks with us silently out of the night.

 These are words we dimly hear:

 You, sent out beyond your recall,
 go to the limits of your longing.
 Embody me.

 Flare up like flame
 and make big shadows I can move in.

 Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
 Just keep going.  No feeling is final.
 Don't let yourself lose me.

 Nearby is the country they call life.
 You will know it by its seriousnes.

 Give me your hand.

 

~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~ 

Thanks, friend. Couldn't do it without you. Best way to end the night. 

Pyramids.

Friends. I just absolutely love climbing shit. I really do. Today was absolutamente incredible. Just. Wow. Okay, first, I never finished telling you about yesterday so: Linet and I went out for lunch with Jim while Molly went to meet her internship lady for a while. We had the best time. Linet is just hilarious and chill and smart and great, and I think I might be obsessed with her. We realized today when we were eating food off of each other's plates and sharing a Coke that we seem to be just a little bit married. Whatever. So this lunch - we just walked through another cool neighborhood with Jim. This one wasn't as nice as Coyacán, but nicer than our neighborhood, so a good balance. It felt clean and safe, but not "chi chi" as Jim seems to call everything that's fancy or hoity toity... wow, I've never written that word(s?) down before. They are also weird. But okay. We found this little restaurant he likes, and ordered delicious food and beer and lemonade. We joked around a lot, but the conversation ended up evolving into this whole other thing - lots of reflection going on about sort of how one can use time, and values, and perspective on time and life-planning, and the option of failure as an important learning tool, and allowing ourselves to fail with the understanding that, not only will the world go on, but we will still be able to be our best selves and do great things in the world even if we don't do as well as we want to on papers.

It was interesting - I felt like Linet might be having moments similar to those I had in Spain. A lot of what was said I had heard or thought about before, but I liked hearing it again and witnessing Linet hear it for the first time. I feel like I've become okay with a certain kind of failure for myself, but maybe not failure in the broader sense... I feel like I failed to do my best in school this semester. There were some good reasons for that, but there were also some not-so-good reasons for that, and wasted time is unacceptable... Whoa. I wonder what Jim would say about that. I mean, I don't mind if I waste time by working really hard on something that turns out to not be great, but I mean I can't waste my time just doing absolutely nothing, right? That's just unacceptable, and I'm pretty hard on myself about that. Anyway, I feel like I'm looking at my personhood and my life experiences through a wider lens now... or really, from a longer perspective. I'm looking at my past year as a whole, and the ways in which I've grown, and contemplating the subtleties of what further growth might look like. I feel a lot better about myself than I did a year ago... but there's still a long way to go in some ways. Who knows.

So okay. Lunch with Jim. Then I suggested ice cream (it was just the perfect breezy summer afternoon), and of course we all had to try the others' flavors. When Linet and I reflected on the afternoon later that night, Linet said with a big smile, "That might as well have been a blood pact. We are clearly BFFLs with Jim," which I think is great and I feel pretty good about. As comfortable as I am with professors, that moment really did hit me: "Wow, I'm about to share ice cream with a professor... damn." Huzzah. Later that night we all went over to Nico's house for beers and talking.

So this morning. Oooohhhhh god, we got up so early, but it was so worth it. Linet and I made super plans to go out and get granola bars, breakfast, and bottled water before we were supposed to meet the van at 9, and Linet likes to have extra time to hang out before we go, so we set that alarm for 7:30 GASP. I thought I was going to die. But what seems to be happening is that Linet gets up, I hear her go shower and then come back, and THEN I start thinking about trying to open my eyes. Fifteen minutes later, I try sitting up. She's all dressed and perky by then, so I stumble to the bathroom to shower or brush my teeth, and then she hangs out on her bed and helps me remember the list of things I need while I get ready in time for us to be about 6 minutes late to whatever we're trying to get to. It's a good system.

ANYWAY. A driver picked us up in a large suburban type deal (after Linet and I stocked up on pastries for breakfast, she discovered Quaker granola bar things, and I failed to convince her that, yes, she probably would want an entire liter of water for the day. I learned my lesson in Cabo de Gata), and we first went to the Basillica, the shrine of Guadalupe, the patron saint of Mexico. So that was pretty cool. I was a little wigged out by all the Catholicism, but Linet is Catholic so she's helping me process things. It feels like the final frontier - Spain brought me into close contact and confrontation of my fear of conservative protestant Christianity, but I sort of forgot slash didn't realize how scary Catholicism is/can be. WHOOPS. So yay learning curve. But okay. Basillica to PYRAMIDS. Oh yeah, and poor Jim seemed to have gotten sick with whatever Linet and I had (all that ice cream sharing maybe), and he just seemed SO unprepared for pyramids. I was all decked out in hiking boots and painty shorts and straw hat, and he had no water bottle or sunscreen or anything. We made him take some of ours though. Ugh, what would he do without us? He would have been able to sleep when he was sick instead of going to the pyramids, that's what. But also he would have gotten horribly sunburnt and dehydrated, so who knows. Anyway, I was so excited to drive to the pyramids!

Before we get to that though (I know, SUSPENSE), I want to talk about the houses we saw on the way to our destination. I finally understood why Mexico City looked so crazy when I flew over it. There are these grey houses built all over the hills. Like it just looks like hills made out of these houses that look like they're made out of cinder blocks or something, I can't understand them. Because you'd think the farther out things go, the wealthier - suburbs close to the city, but not dealing with the grossness of a city, right? I don't know. This didn't seem like poverty, but maybe something like it. Every once and a while, a brightly painted yellow or purple or blue house would pop out from the tidal wave of grey. Does that family have money amidst a settlement that looks like it doesn't have any? Those houses usually had flowers and potted plants on a terrace. The others seemed to have rusty chairs, old bicycles, and I wasn't sure, but sometimes missing parts of walls and ceilings? I just couldn't believe it though - these houses went on for miles, they were almost constantly in view during the whole drive. Did we ever even leave Mexico City? We obviously did, but they all seemed connected. I don't know, I was just really confused about what they meant and who lived there. So that was an interesting drop of social justice in the middle of a day that was really about feeding another part of myself - clean air, blue skies, and mountains to climb.

PYRAMIDS! Aaaahhh I love old things and I love climbing and I love marveling at what human beings can do and at how many people probably died creating these hugely impressive structures that are simultaneously a ridiculous achievement and a concerning abuse of human rights... But mostly I really did just freak out about the oldness and the height, two really excited thinggggssss aaaaahhhh. I love touching a rock that I know another human touched ten years ago, a hundred, a thousand. The Sun and Moon pyramids were built around 200 BCE by the Nawaht (definitely spelled wrong) -speaking people, the civilizations that the Aztecs conquered and made into a short-lived tax-paying empire before the Spanish came and ruined everything. Ugh they were so high. I was so excited from the moment we got out of the car, sooooo ready with my hat and boots. Ah. We took absurd amounts of pictures because we'd been restraining ourselves to spare Jim the boredom or awkwardness of silly poses and multiple photoshoots. We climbed up both pyramids. Linet was strugglin a bit, because she doesn't like heights, and the altitude challenged everyones' lungs in a pretty intense way, but DAMN. I love climbing things and being up high, and feeling my muscles work and being exhausted after a day of genuine effort.

At the top, amidst conquering photos and catching my breath, I had a few quiet moments with my legs dangling over the edge of the platform. I was reminded of all the times in Spain when I realized that I could so easily have slipped and fallen from the high places that bring me so much joy. I know Sasha was kidding when she said something about going to the pyramids to get our cosmic energies back in order, but there was definitely something about being at the top that made me feel rejuvenated, and I wanted to go to the top of the Moon in pursuit of balance. The wind up there was incredible, and the sky and the view of the second pyramid and the surrounding mountains. Definitely a moment of connection and energy and love. I want to chase that feeling... need more climbing, more dirt. The clarity from YALD has yet to dim. It stays with me.

We got back in perfect time to go to El Tigre to get tortas. I didn't even feel tired, really, but more peaceful and calm, my body having worked hard and my spirit fed. I thought I wanted to shower, but when Linet said she was going to wait I ended up really enjoying feeling the dirt and sweat on me for a little while longer. We got the most delicious sandwiches, went to get some saltines and whatnot for Jim, and came back to loll around and watch Modern Fam while we ate. I'm always reminded of watching that show at Pendle Hill and in Paris, with super different but super cool people, and I marvel at how rich my life is. I was pretty wiped after that, and went to help make various dishes for the Sunday potluck. The crowded kitchen and bustle and stress of it all put me in something of a mood. When some kids shouted to us on the way back to the Casa from buying tostadas, I just looked at Linet and said, "I am so not having this." She got it. We ended up sitting with weird people again, and finally realized that we have to sit at the other end of the table next time. But so we decided to leave a little while after eating, but did end up staying a little longer to talk to some cool new people talking to Hayley and other Casa people, got a bowl of desserty things for later, and went downstairs to wash our fruit, where we got to hang out with Licelot and Hayley and Nico for a while. Nico talked to Linet/us about her internship, which sounds like it will be so great, and he didn't seem so tired as usual so I didn't feel like I was overwhelming him with my presence like I usually do. That made me feel less intimidated and also hopeful for connecting with him more this summer. Licelot is just totally great, and I'm looking forward to getting to know her too.

Finally we made it back upstairs to collapse a little bit. I finally showered and reveled just as much in feeling delicious and clean as I had in feeling hard-working and sweaty. We skyped Linet's friend for a bit, and then I had a Skype date of my own with a friend who is just always great to talk to. Affirmation and jokes and good questions and care and concern all happened, and my spirit felt full from a day of old temples and good friends.

The schedule for next week looks great. I'm feeling more and more connected to this place. Today was really important. Can't wait for more.

Lots of love,
Annie

Churros mexicanos

Hey errybody.

These old VW bugs are absolutely everywhere. And I love it.

Shew, I am pooped - thus the lack of posting anoche. So yesterday was good. It was pretty chill. We started off the day with the Comite de Medio Ambiente (Environmental Program), which was cool. We got all up in the business of compost and recycling and plant-growing at the Casa. I felt like plant-watering as part of my daily routine would be a good thing to feed my spirit, so I think I'm going to work with them. It's worked out well, because each of the three of us are interested in something different - Linet for Migration and Molly for Justicia Economica. Later we each had check-ins with Hayley, which I felt really great about. She's really good at asking us if we need anything, in a way that feels like she means my needs, not just needs. I totally aime her. No big deal.

New friends.

The señoras who are on the hospitality staff cooked a huge meal for everyone, to celebrate two birthdays, our bienvenidas, and a despedida for Jill (who's been a co-director here for... like a year? two years?). Desafortunadamente, Linet didn't feel so well, so we missed her on our recorrido with Jim. Molly and I went to Coyacán, a neighborhood that used to be really its own city until the Monstruo that is Mexico City sort of swallowed it up. It was really pretty, reminded me of Granada in some ways. It's more middle class and upper-middle class, whereas our neighborhood is lower-middle and working class, so it's cleaner and calmer and generally prettier. I felt sort of weird about liking it a little better than our neighborhood - I want to be the person who identifies with a culture that's really different from my own or something. But I've been realizing that there is just as much consumerism and stuff here as in America, so I don't know.

Mah first Mexican beer. Super delish.

Anyway Coyacán was great. Just relaxing and beautiful and I would totally live there someday. Jim said he lived there for a year or something when he was younger, and when we all win the lottery we're going to buy brightly colored houses there. That was one of my favorite parts - it still definitely felt urban, like there weren't separate houses but all long connected buildings, but the sidewalks are wide and there's trees and tropical-looking flowers and just lots of color. Hurray. We went to the Frida Kahlo Museum slash it used to be her and Diego Rivera's HOUSE which is super gorgeous. It's all just the best bright blue ever on the outside, and really great stuff on the inside, and obvious cool art and stuffff. Great central courtyard thing too, lots of plants. Love it love it. Next we went to some big plazas, and a market where we got some delicious aguas (which are really all kinds of fruit juices that are DELICIOUS... just realized I already said that. so okay: double delicious). We also got Mexican churros, which are yeah, different from Spanish ones, but equally yummy and terrible for you.

Then we just paseo-d it up, wandering all around through other plazas and markets, and stopped for a drink for a while and watched people go by and some guys played old Spanish love songs on some pretty guitarras. People were kind of dressed up. Unlike a lot of the people I've seen in the Centro, I felt like most of the people I saw in Coyacán looked pretty American. Like, I wouldn't notice them as different-looking if I saw them in the street. I guess they were generally taller and lighter-skinned than the populace closer to the Casa, which I guess makes sense if the neighborhoods divide by class. Hm...

I need these. In a big way.

After a little while and some good conversation we started the trek back to the metro, which only differs from other metros I've been on in its super super crowdedness. However, I remain, for the most part, unintimidated. So it was a great day. Molly and I came to check on Linet, then went back out to buy some din dins, came back and ate, then started to head to bed. Linet and I accidentally stayed up talking for a while, and it was really just great. We've gotten along really well from the beginning, and it's just super fun to joke around, but this was also just a really good conversation. I'm feelin the love.

So today we're all pretty exhausted, but we went with Jim to a really awesome art market thing that happens on sábados, I guess they call it a bazaar. There was lots of really exciting brightly colored stuff, and my new life plan is now to forget about social justice work, and just focus on getting really rich so I can buy all the big bright arty art things. Nom. Molly is meeting with her internship person now, and I think Linet and I are going to go out to lunch with Jim pretty soon. Tonight, a gathering at Nico and Jill's piso, and tomorrow, PYRAMIDS. I. Am. So. Excited. And, you know, completely exhausted.

Love,
me